Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
