i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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