There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
