I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
