1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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