My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
