I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
