Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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