are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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