The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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