Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
