Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
