I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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