If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
