On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
