So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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