every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
