3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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