The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
