Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
