Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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