I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
