I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
