be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
