He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize