I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize