Taylor Swift is so right about you.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
