reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
