Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
