Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
