I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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