Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
