She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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