My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
