i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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