why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
