He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She needs sedatives and a leash
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
