JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
