Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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