Cold hands, warm shart.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
