You're my little dorito
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
