What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
even my farts smell like vagina
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
