onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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