He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
