WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
