Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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