So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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