i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize