Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
