I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
