I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
