what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
