Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
