I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
