I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
