i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
