Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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