Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
