I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
