You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
