i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
